I’ve been thinking about the difference between knowledge that is external: how we learn about the world around us, and the kind of internal knowledge that we only gain from lived experiences.
I tend to look outside first by reading books, articles, listening to podcasts, gathering info is never a problem. The tricky part is applying what is relevant and leaving behind the rest.
Inner knowledge comes from what we actually do and how we process it.
It’s the difference between achievement and accolades and deep personal inventory. That kind of knowledge is never up for debate.
order
I hear a judge’s gavel banging “ORDER IN THE COURT!!” My body tenses, I automatically feel like I’m in trouble.
Order as put upon me by outside forces goes against my grain. But on the inside I know that order also creates peace, safety and opens up space and energy for life to flow through.
When I was a kid I would try to create order. I tried plotting out on my calendar what clothes I would wear each day. I would sit down and make the calendar, pairing my favorite knickers, legwarmers and usually purple tops, or my favorite sweater with the strawberries on it.
For a moment I would feel some relief, a plan was made. But then, the next morning, I wouldn’t feel like wearing what I had planned. Maybe it was colder than I thought, or I just felt like wearing something else. Internal conflict ensues. Follow my plan? Or rebel against myself?
Well, I am not one to be uncomfortable in my clothes (don’t even get me started on shoes…) so the plan would always fall to the side. Imposing order from the outside ahead of time doesn’t work for me.
Creating order was a favorite childhood activity. I would often rearrange my room, reorganizing my closet, drawers and bookshelves. My parents would even let me re-order the kitchen cabinets. I would move my furniture on the regular, I even tried living in different rooms in the house.
I still like creating order out of chaos like when I carved out my pottery corner of the “full garage” but combining items, rearranging and generally doing a better job of managing the space than my garage mate had.
Following the order of nature is something that I have come to rely on as well. There is definitely order in the sun, the moon, the seasons. They always come in the same order, although within that order there is of course chaos. Order in this way is a framework for all of the chaos to happen. Not all of the bulbs I planted will come up. Some will come up in random places…(squirrel intervention I suspect). Some will not survive the winter.
Life as a parent often involves creating order in chaos. Kids especially feel safe in order. When they know that nap comes after lunch every day, there’s a much higher chance of that happening than trying to randomly insert nap time. Right?
So order is good for the body, for the earth, for our sense of comfort. But too much order can take the fun out of everything. When we try to force order as a way of avoiding or staving off chaos, then I think we set ourselves up to miss out on the beauty of the unknown.
When I drew out the lines of order and chaos, I could feel the rigidity of order, of the lines conforming in a way. Of the space around and between the lines, that they are isolated in some way. It’s neat and it’s stiff. Uncomfortable even, for me.
The lines of chaos wiggled and curved, overlapped and were wild, and free. I didn’t have to try. Something spontaneous happened also as I noticed that the not yet dry purple lines were swirling with the blue to create a middle color. I see more possibilities in the chaos.
I think it’s my comfortability in chaos and desire to create flexible order that has led to my newest coaching offer “Calm in Chaos” because chaos exists everywhere. We can easily get sucked into the drama of it, it can pull us away from our center, the earth pulled out from under our feet. We can feel unsure, scared. But when we learn how to exist within the calm center that is always there… that’s where we can truly live.
RESPECT
Week 4 Click HERE for a video of this page in the making.
At first respect seems fairly straight forward. I respect you, you respect me. But really this set up leads to being able to not respect others if they don’t respect me. It’s conditional. Really respect is about giving and expecting nothing in return. We respect others desire to not respect us in return.
But really there is no respect if we don’t start with ourselves. We have to respect ourselves, in the ways that we listen to and stand up for ourselves. In the ways that we care for and talk to ourselves.
Many of the things I tell myself I would never say to another person… “You’re always starting too many projects” “you should be…” “why can’t you be… already?” “You’re so…..[fill in the blank negative statement]”
Respecting ourselves is where we have to start.
My decision to stop drinking alcohol was a big step towards my self respect. Because I have always turned to writing when things are confusing, difficult, or lonely, I have boxes full of my thoughts over the decades. It is hard to look back because often it’s so clear to me now how little respect I had for myself.
All of my decisions were around keeping other people comfortable, happy, and making sure that I didn’t rock the boat. It was important to me to give off an air of “easy-going” “chill” and “cool” in this way I often went beyond what I knew was ok with me, because what I was definitely not ok with was drawing attention to myself or having to explain myself to others. Lay low, be cool was my motto. And it worked.
I had written numerous times about how I didn’t think that alcohol was right for me. That I didn’t like the way it made me feel, or what would happen when I got over excited and overindulged. In fact I had a policy that I would “never say no” I wanted to experience everything and be someone who was always up for anything. This served me well in many ways, I have had tons of adventures and am usually pretty up for trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone. So when I see that I had written down 10 years ago “I just don’t think I need alcohol in my life.” and then ignored that, that was not respecting myself.
Making the choice was for me, and that was a deep respect that I could learn to live without the liquid that was messing with my moods, my energy, and my vitality. It was hard to start. It was hard to learn to stand up for myself when offered a drink (“what will I say?) worrying about what others would think of me kept me from doing what I knew was right.
But I did it. I learned how to speak up for my small inner voice. I believe the more we act from and respect that voice, the more it offers us. Because you know what? It was right. I don’t need to drink alcohol in order to relax, or dance, or make friends. I have developed that respect for myself in this way, and also come to learn that other’s reactions really are about themselves.
Respecting myself means listening and giving myself the best chance in this lifetime to experience all the things that light me up. And there are so many!
How do you respect yourself? Do you find that when you start with you, you feel more respected by others?
harmony
WEEK 3 Click HERE for a video of this page in the making.
“To feel a sense of inner peace, calm, contentment, and serenity;
to have harmonious relationships; and to have equilibrium in all areas of life.”
Well… wouldn’t that be something??? Is this a real thing? Equilibrium in all areas of life?? If you know how to have this, please let me know ASAP!
So I did what I do when things make no sense to me, I sit with it, and then I thought, what would harmony look like on the page. After drawing it out (you can watch a quick video here) I could see that harmony is when different elements/colors work together, yet also have their own unique color/qualities. They are moving in the same direction together, but that direction is not necessarily linear, and can even cross over other expressions and create a sense of tension or chaos. There can be chaos and harmony at the same time! This feels more like real life to me.
Well, I guess that makes it an inside job then… Where do I find harmony in my daily life? The sense of inner peace, calm, contentment and serenity? Sitting in my blue chair by the fireplace… I think I feel it there sometimes. Early in the morning before anyone else is awake, and I’m still in a hazy half-sleep, but harmony feels more alive than this. It feels like everything is working, awake, doing it’s best and working together, not that half of the pieces are still sleeping…
This idea of equilibrium brings me back to the surfboard of life. The waves are coming and sometimes they’re just little blips and sometimes their tsunamis and sometimes it’s fun to ride them and sometimes they knock you off your board and your bikini top too. They leave you choking on water and salt in your eyes. This feels more like my reality than harmony. And yet there are still moments, or even joy in working for it.
At first harmony as a value seemed lofty and impossible, but funny thing, the more I sat with it, or having it top of mind this week I also listened to a podcast “We Can Do Hard Things” that was focused on Internal Family Systems (IFS) as a way of understanding our choices and often conflicts within ourselves. Do you ever react in a way that feels unlike the way you want to? Do you have inner conflict resulting in confusion and frustration? Valuing harmony would mean then that we make room for understanding the different aspects of who we are, that we let them do their part, but we work towards the same end goal.
Harmony is when all of the parts of us are moving in the same direction, together. It’s when our will is united, in magic they say that is the only way to get things done. Unite the shadow and the light, conscious and unconscious. And YES, this type of harmony is actually something I have been working on for years. When the part of me that wants to resist what another part of my desires deeply, I have work to do I turn to my coach, and that work can result in harmony, if even momentarily, and it’s a sweet sweet sound.
So to this effect, harmony as a value can be served by coaching. That’s what we do. We make space to listen to the different voices/ideas/opinions that are inside of us and we give theme a place to be heard. And in this way, we are able to move forward in peace, calm and contentment.
Book a call, let’s see where you can create a little more harmony in your day to day. Click Here for my calendar.
HEALTH
WEEK 2
The week before winter vacation I got the flu. It had been years since I’d been taken out like that. It reminded me of how quickly everything else doesn't matter when your body isn’t well. All of my dreams, motivations, desires and plans evaporate. The body buckles down into survival mode and there is nothing except rest, fluids and Netflix.
And yet, while my body was achy from fever and extremely uncomfortable, there was a part of me that also felt some relief. Sorry/not sorry I can’t make dinner/breakfast/lunch, I won’t be around in the morning when the kids wake up. I can't carpool or go to work. I just can’t and there’s nothing anybody can do about it. Even though I was feeling so terrible, I was given a pass on life and in a way that felt good. “Is there where I’m at?” I thought to myself. Being taken out by the flu is better than my regular healthy life?
Living on the couch, drifting in and out of feverish sleep, sipping tea simultaneously freezing and sweating while indulging in “Harry and Meghan” felt like a woozy vacation. It reminded me of when my kids were little and I felt peace and tranquility reclining in the dentist’s chair having my teeth cleaned. It felt a little sad and also reminded me that perhaps I need to have a conversation with my family about what I need, and how we can help each other.
Health feels like a big topic. Of course I value my health, without it I’m…on the couch. And yet there are many parts that contribute to a healthy life:mental, physical, social, spiritual, relational, even financial health all impact each other.
The word itself makes me feel overwhelmed. Perhaps it’s because our individual health and our guilt or seeming inability to reach perfection in all of these realms has been used by corporations as a carrot to motivate us to buy gym memberships, exercise clothes and supplements.
It feels like an impossibility to have all of these areas of life “healthy” because everything is always changing. My body is changing, my mind feels like it has a mind of its own, my family and finances are influenced by factors often out of my control.
For me health is an ongoing process. Our bodies are healing machines, that’s what they do if left alone. I think maybe our desire to try and control this actually gets in the way of experiencing real health. Physical health makes everything else possible, but does that mean that if I don’t exercise for a week (or two) that I’m not healthy? With all or nothing thinking we can give up and feel defeated.
Life is for experiencing which includes highs and lows. That being said, I know when I feel good, I make choices from a place of peace not striving. I believe that my body holds a wisdom and intelligence far greater than my mind. No matter my current routines or habits, I am learning to listen to and trust my body over my mind. Wayfinder coaching has taught me that. I know how to tune in and listen to my body, and I trust that my body’s greatest goal is health in all areas.
If you feel like you could use some support in any area of your life, coaching can help. I’d love to see if I can support you. Click the link below and let’s talk.
Collaboration
WEEK 1 COLLABORATION: to work with others for a common purpose or good in the creation of something.
I definitely believe that nobody gets anywhere on their own. The myth of individualism has left me often afraid to ask for help, to admit I even need help. It has kept me struggling in silence. Collaboration is how we get to thriving, no doubt. And yet collaboration requires a level of trust, deep listening and dropping of the ego that makes it a rare gem.
On the outset I would say yes, collaboration is where it’s at. Working together with others is really the only way that anything impactful can happen. When we come together with others for a common goal we get to each contribute our own unique gifts to something. It’s how we bring dimension and depth. It’s how we learn what we don’t know, it’s how we grow. IF we are able to listen and put ego aside.
But then I also think of group work in school, where groups of uninterested young people are asked to work together on something that they may or may not actually care about. We see the perfectionists freaking out because the could-be-care-lessers aren’t (or they fear won’t) do their part. We see the rise of the martyr. “Fine, I’ll just do it all myself.” Collaboration without trust and accountability can lead to resentment, stalemate and deepening of our divides.
When I first wrote the definition out I accidentally left the extra o off of good and it read “to work with god in the creation of something” - ha. The creation of this page followed that idea. I want to collaborate with my higher self. With the infinite wisdom of the universe that I believe lives in me. I want to clear the channels so that I can catch the faint whispers of the next steps. This collaboration looks like spending time each morning in the still quietness. My inner voice isn’t loud, but she is persistent. Like, very persistent.
When I stopped drinking alcohol it was the voice. “You don’t need this, it’s holding you back. You want to feel good, you want to feel clear.” There is evidence of this in my journals from years before I actually made the commitment. The voice is quiet and patient. It’s not judgy or pushy or shaming. If your quiet still voice isn’t kind and gentle then that’s culture and conditioning, NOT your true self.
I want to collaborate with the natural world that I am part of, where I belong too.
If we try to jump out of bed in January ready to take on the world, take another moment to look around at nature, who’s doing that? Nobody. January is the middle of winter. It’s time to be slow and quiet and cozy and warm. It’s time to tend to the roots, the inside underground parts that nobody sees. Be still, plan and dream. Sleep more.
I don’t believe we are meant to do things alone. In fact I don't believe we are ever really alone.
Art and coaching have been bridges for me to open this collaboration with my higher self. To be free to see what comes up, and to learn to trust.
Collaboration without trust will never work. It’s the medium by which everyone gets to be free to see what they’ve got. These bodies of ours won’t let the soul loose unless it’s safe.
A collaboration can be a conversation. When I talk with some people I can sense my soul coming loose. I get animated and excited and I can feel the possibility coursing through my veins. These are the collaborations I’m looking for.
This is why I love being a coach. I get to put myself aside and be open, observant and listen to facilitate the client’s inner knowing. We can never predict what will come up because it is only in the moment that truths arise. I get to ask questions that open up the channels, and I get to help clients interpret the messages. It’s in this way that we prime the connection between the client and their inner knowing. It’s not hard, it’s there all the time, just waiting for the right collaborator.